It's Hard to Come Up With a Title

Yesterday was Bobby and my first day with our new marriage counselor. Her experience and the fact that she graduated with honors for both her BA and Masters degree from PSU were a big draw for us. We were seeing graduate students at PSU counselling clinic before and while they did help us work on some of our communication issues, we had run into a road block with them. Our new counselor use to run the PSU clinic, she use to be the director of the sexual assault prevention and women’s self defense program, Women strength, for the Portland Police Bureau. She founded an organization providing education on child abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence. She has tons of training is different specialties one of which is marriage and family counselling. She now works a Providence hospital providing assessments and therapy she is the founder of the clinic she is giving us counselling through. The big draw was how she described her style on her website:

"My style is best described as forthright, grounded, honest and open. Therapy
with me is often challenging, frequently lighthearted, and always, always
supportive. I am relentlessly curious and I encourage you to be just as curious.
We’ll both ask and answer lots of questions. My expectation is that through your
thoughtful and honest consideration of these questions, and of my feedback as
well, you’ll find the solutions you’re looking for.One thing my clients will
tell you is that I’m a stickler for truth-telling. I try to be watchful, helping
clients recognize when they’re holding themselves (or me) at arm’s length from
the truth."

I see this style as just what we need. We need someone to be honest with us and tell us what we are doing wrong. We have lost a lot of our connection and haven't been able to find it again on our own.

I felt that our first session was really good, granted we are in the getting to know each other stage, but I really felt that she was asking real relevant questions rather then "and how did that make you feel". She was really trying to figure out what we needed and who we are as well as who we were. I think that this really could be a good positive thing for us and that she really may be able to help us. When I told her that we were looking forward to being told the real truth and being told what we have been doing wrong she was very receptive. Most counsellors seem to shy away from telling you "no, that is bad, you shouldn't be acting that way" but I think she may very well be willing to do that. She was also willing to work with the price a bit for us so we could do weekly sessions and then we will later go to longer then usual length bi-weekly sessions. I really am excited to see where this will lead us. I am really feeling optimistic.

I've been continuing to spend more time with Bobby lately. It really has been nice to just be around him and just be able to enjoy it rather then worry about all of the other stuff.

I was going through some files on my computer and found these. They always make me smile.
Bobby's:

Nicole (leaving out rest of name for privacy purposes), you have made me happier then I ever imagined I could be. You have brought light and warmth into my life that makes each day better then the last. You are my inspiration, my love and my best friend, and everyday I find something new to love about you. And so I commit myself, with all of the joy and love I possess, to be your husband. I promise to hold you when you are scared, to listen and comfort you when you are sad. I promise to take pride in you achievements, and joy in your happiness. I promise to support you and to be the best husband I can be for you. I promise to love you like a pineapple and to be your best friend, everyday, for the rest of my life.

Mine:


I have prayed for a man who would sweep me off my feet and share my feelings, hopes, and dreams. I dreamed of being in love and of someone loving me, but I never dreamed I could find someone who understood the love inside of me so completely. I dreamed of sharing my thoughts, but never dreamed someone could hear me without words. In my darkest troubles, in my brightest joys, in my coldest silence, in my warmest thoughts, I looked for you and you were there. Thank you for sharing in my belief that a day well-lived makes every yesterday a memory of love and tomorrow a vision of hope.
Bobby, I love you completely, as I did yesterday and as I will tomorrow. I will be there for you when you need me most. I will hold you in my heart as I do in my arms. I will share with you in your dreams, delight in your joys, and comfort you in your sorrows. I will be you confidant, your counsel, your friend, and your lover. When you are not within my sight, you will be in my thoughts. You are my life, you are my dreams, you are my joy, you are my love. At this moment you are all that I know and all that I see. As we grow old together and our love matures, may we hold on to the passion and affection for each other that we feel today. Not only do I love you today, not only will I love you for the rest of my life, I will love you for all of eternity. Bobby, this is my solemn vow to you.

I was planning to write more then this but I am tired and needing to go to bed so I am out for the night.

Just some memories

I'm apparently good at making myself sad.

Realizations

I have desperately been trying to keep myself busy lately. Yet am not succeeding as well as I had hoped. I honestly have been continuing to somewhat neglect work, I think mostly because I don't find it fulfilling, but I have also realized that my usual activity of sitting at Starbucks is really just not good for me. Don't get me wrong I love me some coffee as well as a lot of the other regulars at the specific store I visit and the general atmosphere of the place. Plus I like the fact that I can zone into a sudoku or crossword and just relax there. But... I spend way too much time there. This is not improving my life. While I do enjoy my time there, it has become too comfortable and I sit there all day not accomplishing anything that I need to get done. Then at the end of the day I am disappointed that I may have made it through 2-5 things on my to do list and none of the other 20. Of course I just turn around and do the exact same thing the next day and the day after. It just isn't healthy for me. I have all of these grand ideas of things I want to do for myself yet I really have made no progress. This really isn't Starbucks fault, it isn't really a money issue... OK maybe a little but it is still workable. It really is a....me issue. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I use to be a doer. I use to strive to complete a to do list each day, I use to always have drive to keep moving keep working toward my goals. I am in a rut, I think I may even be depressed...in fact it is highly likely that I am, I just can't seem to find my motivation my drive to do anything. I feel like sitting in front of my computer or in one of the comfy chairs at Starbucks and doing...nothing, I don't feel like working...so I procrastinate, I don't feel like sewing...so I procrastinate, I just keep putting everything off even stuff I like doing. I just don't know how to get that spark back, the motivation and drive. I have the desire to plan all of these wonderful things to do but I so sitting down. I may get myself to get supplies for a project but I never start working on it. I can plan everything out in great detail, what I want to do, how, where, maybe even plan for when... but do I follow through? Nope. I continue to sit to procrastinate, to feel underwhelmed and unfulfilled in my life. Yet I feel stressed and and overwhelmed by my planned projects because I plan thing after thing and never complete anything so it just piles up. I feel useless and a bit empty. I need my drive and motivation back. Who ever has it needs to return it, I would like to claim stolen property. I want my fire back, my spark for life and moving forward. I think I need to force my self to stay at home more or at lease to try to stay away for Starbucks more.

I do wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my last big plan disappeared from my life. I was supposed to have something/someone by my side through the next steps in life. I had a plan for him/her too. It makes sense from one perspective and makes me sad to think that I still may not be able to continue my life because I am holding myself back. That maybe I am not done grieving enough to step into the next chapter of my life. Yet on the other hand you have to move forward, its the right thing to do, I'm sure that is what he/she would want.

Wow, I think I may really just have issues.

Anyways, I spent a nice amount of time with Bobby the last to days. Wednesday he called out of the blue just because. He said he hadn't talked to me in a while and missed doing so. We ended up meeting for coffee near the Lloyd Center mall. Eventually ended up at the Denny's across the street for some soup and worked on the crossword together a bit, headed over to the mall and wandered through barely stopping at any stores, then we went and sat in front of his moms house and talked, cuddled and kissed a bit for a while about 4 hours in total together. Last night, Thursday, we met at the Triple Nickle sat outside most of the time and chatted for a bit. He eventually ended up coming back to the house, technically for his inhaler, we really spent the majority of the time making out and eventually ended up upstairs for a while and then he went back to his moms. I have enjoyed being around him so much lately, no fighting, just the ability and desire to enjoy what little time we have together. Yet last night was really hard for me. I hated that he left. I knew he wasn't going to stay and I originally though I could deal with that but watching him leave after he was here, at home, with me, being so close to each other, just too hard. I don't think I can do it again. I think that both him coming to the house and being intimate together just can't be an option for us at this point. While I loved being with him at the moment, it has been painful and tearing me up inside since he left. So I think that until he comes back home that most of our contact has to be outside of our respective living spaces. I can't be so close yet so far away. As much as I want to be that close, I have realized I just can't handle the fall that has come after the high. All I want to do is be with him though. I want to spend every minute, every second, with him. I want to hold him and have him hold me. I want to talk about nothing and just be near each other. It hurts not to be near him.

ugggg life is sucking away my soul

So I wasn't ready to write about this yesterday but I feel now that is would be good to put this in writing.

Yesterday Bobby came over to pick up some stuff. Basically I started crying within 10 minutes of him being here and continued to cry more and more for about an hour while he was here. I really do miss him so much. I feel so hurt that we are in this crappy situation. I did at one point stop thinking and let my self be run by my emotions and I asked him to come back home. To which he said...no. Well actually he said he is not coming home right now. I am not entirely sure when now will be but he did make the point that he needs to learn to appreciate me and what I do for him and vice versa, which while true sucks. I fear that the longer we are apart that we may learn to be so happy apart that we wont want to be together again or that we continue to grow farther apart that we are even less compatible then we have become. Sooo... after I was understandably yet painfully rejected I left him here to gather the rest of his stuff and went to my friend Dajah's house to talk about how much a moron I felt like I made myself look like.

So new issues have arisen though in my life and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with them. I let a friend move in with me. She was renting a room from a crazy lady who after a little drama told her she had 4 days to move out. She called me crying and I being in an unusual state of mind due to my recent separation and my vulnerable loneliness told her she could come stay with me for a while. Well I am realizing that while I don't want her on the street that is wasn't the best decision for me.Please note that my own personal life is a disaster and that I am more stressed and emotional then I have ever been in my life. I have found myself becoming more and more irritated with every little things she does, granted a few have been not so great roommate attributes (ie: eating my food), and honestly she has a lot going on in her life right now. I have found myself neglecting what I need to work on for me and my relationship with my husband and have become focused on her drama and my irritations with her. So the possible outcomes of this, I don't work on what I need to which will mean I can't fix my relationship, I continue to find new things to irritate me about this person I actually like who is living in my house which could ruin our friendship, I may break and snap and go psycho bitch on her which again will probably ruin our friendship, or I can find a way to explain this all to her with hopes that she will understand and she will find a new place to go, which will give us a chance at continuing to be friends or of course I could explain all of this to her and she will hate me and again ruin our friendship, which is not something I want. Problem is I feel guilty she really has only been here a week and a half and I would already be asking her to leave. But the truth is, I wasn't originally expecting this to be more then a month maybe two at max thing. I really origanally thought she just needed a place to go until she could find another place to go. I just got so sucked in that I stopped thinking about what I needed. I was trying so hard to help a friend in need that I didn't think and say no or wait I cant do this when I probably should have. I am just having such a hard time finding the right path on this. I need time for just me and I need space for just me, I need space and time to find what I need for myself and what I need and want from my marriage. I need to not be able to distract myself all of the time with someone else's turmoil and I need to find a way not to ruin my friendship and make things even worse in the process. I tried to sort of talk to her about this today but I just couldn't get it out the right way so I pretty much gave up.

At this point the only thing I can think of is to wait a few days or a week so I can start fresh and sit her down and be completely honest with her. Just hope she understands that this is something I need for me to heal and fix my life. That I have to make myself the priority. That I will give her a reasonable amount of time to find a place, but this is something I have to do. I really have to stop allowing my self to try to take on the responsibility of other peoples happiness and deal with my own.

Some Plans

So I have started making a list of things to do for myself and to keep me busy. Basically Just a little list of goals and ideas to help me be happy. I may not do all of them but I figure it never hurts to have a list of stuff to look at and try to complete when I am bored.

1. Get back into school (do my FAFSA, meet with and advisor, sign up for classes, etc.)
2. Rock climb - now I don't want to climb Everest or anything, just one of those walls.
3. Find a name I love for the label for the lings I craft
4. Take Yoga - I have done Pilate's but I've always been curious about yoga
5. Organize my house - I have a lot of stuff and a lot of it doesn't have a real home
6. Take Dance lessons - something like tango or swing, it just sounds fun.
7. Get down to a size 8 - I have gone from a 14/16 to a snug size 10. I'm not willing to go by weight it is too discouraging
8. Do the couch to 5 k program
9. Do the 30 day shred program
10. Relearn to play piano
11. Get a massage
12. Get my finances back on track
13. Fill a journal with inspiration - quotes, song lyrics, pictures, just things that make me feel good
14. Get a second hole in my ear lobes
15. Take a self defence class
16. Go fishing
17. Take a gun training class
18. Get my schedule organized and actually use my planner
19. Get my body toned
20. Eat better healthier foods
21. Get new front tires for my car

I'm sure their are many more things I can do and want to do. These just seem like somewhat realistic goals for myself. I am sure I will continue to add to it as inspiration strikes.

Trouble in Paradise

My life has been a whirlwind of stress and drama lately. I recently spent around $1400.00 on repairs to my car after finding out that my frame was bent, apparently the previous owner kept some secrets, which messed up my suspension. So straitening my frame, new A-arms, new body springs, and labor.....uuuggg = a big bill and a loan from my dad.

So the big issue in my life is... my marriage. There really is no other way to say it other then its in trouble. My husband and I have honestly had some trouble off and on most of our relationship. During most of our relationship I have felt neglected and ignored. I have spent most of my time and energy over the last five years trying to give him everything he needed and wanted. I feel that I have tried so hard to to take care of him, love him as hard as I could, be his friend and his partner, I have tried to be the best for him that I could be. I realized about a year ago that through all of this I stopped taking care of my self. I stopped being me. My life revolved around my husband. I knew I had been unhappy for a long time, I felt like I was doing almost everything for him and was getting nothing in return. During these past 5 years I tried to tell him that I was unhappy and that I needed help around the house, I wanted to actually spend a bit of time with him, and that I couldn't do everything myself. I had sunken in to depression over and over. Yet my pleads for help and care in return have often been left unanswered.

My husband really is a good man. He can be kind and funny and is one of the smartest people I know yet he seems to have one fatal flaw. His narcissism. He has a great love for himself and his opinions. While my world revolved around him, so did his. Due to this personality trait, he can often be mean in his attempts to share is opinions (which he seems to feel are fact and that people need to know), he believes he is better then most and treats others as such, and basically if something doesn't serve his interest then he doesn't find it important. When we first met he treated me like a queen. He sacrificed sleep to see me all day while he worked graveyard, he bought bouquets of flowers worth $100, and he spoke to me like and equal and a friend. We were inseparable best friends as well as partners and lovers. At times we have gotten along wonderfully and had tons of fun together. As time went on this person that I knew has disappeared. He slowly has become this person I see before me. As this grew I made excuses to my self and others for his mean words or selfish behavior.

As time has gone on between us his narcissistic behavior spread to him telling me I wasn't doing my part because going to school full time wasn't enough, or that he made more money than me so he should be able to have more then me, or while I have been working that I wasn't doing anything with my life and that I never follow through with anything. Never seeming to notice that I basically take care of everything else in our lives. I do most of the cleaning and laundry, make sure the bills were paid and that our finances were in order, taking care of basically all of the car repairs and upkeep, I could go on but I am assuming you get the point. The point is that he made me feel bad, worthless, and that he thought of me as less then himself. He made me feel as though I wasn't his partner in life. I often wonder if this was a way for him to feel better about himself by putting me down. He has told me in the past that doesn't understand we I can't be responsible for his happiness, that he believes that he is god, and that when he is lonely that I need to be needy for him. He lies about stupid things that have even put in not so great situations at work as well. Example: one of my tenants brought flowers to me while I was not home. He took them and claimed that he got them for me with a story on how he bought them off one of those people who sell flowers out of the bucket on the side of the street. Low and behold I am doing inspections on my units a few days later when one of my tenants asks me "so how did you like those flowers my wife brought over to you?" Immediately realizing what had happened I said that I loved them and thanked him and asked him to thank his wife. The tenant also mentioned they were from the farmers market they had worked at the weekend. Funny thing is I thought they were from the farmers market and asked my husband if that is where he got them and that's when he gave me the line about the street corner vendor. Of course I call my husband to ask him:( this isn't the exact conversation but pretty damn close) me- "where did you get those flowers again?". Him- " from someone on the side of the street." Me- "Really? Are you sure?" Him - (with hesitation) "yeah, why?" Me- are you sure they weren't a gift from the tenant in unit###?" Him - "oh, well...yeah they were" me- "you put me in a bad place. I would have thanked them when I went into their unit today if I would have known. You made me look like a bad person and you lied to me and that's not OK". Really why would anyone do this. Is it just me or is it wrong to take credit for other peoples kind deeds just to make yourself look good.

I must also mention for full disclosure that there has been infidelity on his end that despite my best effort I can't seem to fully let go of. Especially because it happened twice. He kissed a girl didn't tell me, brought her into our home, then kissed her again. He never told me about it either . We at one point split up for a month. I went to talk to his sister after he told me and found out from her that it had happened. I did eventually get the truth from him and it took months to get out that there were to separate occasions rather then just the first one. To give insult to injury during this break he slept with another girl. We were still sleeping together during this time and the only reason I found out about this one is because his roommates/ my very good friends told him that if he didn't tell me they would. I have done what I can to forgive and to try to forget and trust him again but it is very difficult and honestly never truly going to be possible. I just don't understand why lieing is an OK thing to him. Now this did happen before we even got engaged and I did did choose to continue with the relationship. I did however tell him that if he lied to me again I was done. The flower incident however was only about a year ago, I realize in comparison claiming flowers is a much smaller offence, but it was still another lie. This makes me wonder how many other lies are floating out there.

As I said I have tried to be honest with him about how I was feeling. When he attempted efforts and helping me they often only lasted a week or two. It seems just long enough for me to feel hope and stop asking for his help in being an adult and partner.

All of this hurt, sadness, depression, and disappointment has killed our friendship and caused resentment on my end that I find hard to let go of. I finally told him that enough was enough that I wasn't going to live like this anymore. That things must change or I have to leave this relationship. He finally began to hear me started sporadically helping around the house and taking care of small things like getting the oil changed in his car. But our arguing increased and I found myself becoming more and more distant from him. Staying out with the few friends I had left or made in the last couple of years so I wouldn't have to be at home and fighting. We began marriage counselling about five months ago in hopes and getting help for our problems. Since then a few thing have come out such as the fact that when we began dating he intentionally chased away all of my friends. An act I find makes me ill just thinking about it. That because he didn't like the people I hung out with he decided to save me from them. People I cared for and that cared for me. Many of his reasoning's come form tidbits of conversations he over heard or didn't know the back stories or inside jokes he didn't understand. Thinking of this hurts me, he was willing to let me be alone and depressed thinking that I had done something wrong that these people didn't like me anymore. Knowing that for years I was sitting alone at home while he was out with his friends and family, sad and lonely and he was OK with that. Of course I now understand why all of my friends hated him and didn't want me to be with him.

About a week and a half ago I asked him to move out. While the marriage counselling has helped our communication a bit other things have gotten worse. We both have become unhappy when we were apart and even more unhappy when we were around each other. We have both put up walls to protect ourselves which have caused us to become so distant and angry with each other that if we spend more then a couple of hours alone together we with bicker or fight with each other. I had no other ideas to fix this relationship then to ask him to go. Give us the chance to figure out what we need and want. How to fix this or end this. How to be happy individuals with a relationship that adds to our lives rather then takes away from it. For the next three months we are basically only going to communicate through written letter/e-mail and we are going to go to marriage counseling every other week. After our three months are up we will start to see each other and talk and get to know each other again in hopes that we can rebuild a relationship.

In the meantime we are going to try to work on ourselves. He is going to get his own apartment and learn to live by himself. I hope in someways this will teach him some appreciation for the things I have tried to do to take care of him. I on the other hand have gotten a roommate. My little brother has been living with me for a while but I am letting a friend who was in need stay with me for a while. It wasn't originally what I had in mind but after my conversation with my husband about how long we are going to be apart I knew I would need help paying bills until I could get some extra income coming in. So for me and the new roommate it is a help for both of us. I also have started to make a list of things I would like to do for myself during this process. I may post it later. Wish me luck in finding the right path.

My car and my day

And Another from MySpace:

Wednesday, January 21, 2009 2:56pm
My car and my day.

My Mustang is off with a guy named Gary, owner of Gary's Mustangs, getting the windshield resealed. The guy was recommended to me by a Mustang part store and the worker there swore up and down that this guy was the only person he would use. The name "Gary's Mustangs" is comforting too, at least it sounds like he knows what he is doing. So my baby is off getting fixed. Yeah! Plus he even came and picked it up for me since this is my daily driver and everyone I know with a vehicle was either working today or I felt weird asking for a ride to Damascus(sp?) to both drop off and pick it up, this worked out really well.

My driver side quarter window has also been giving me trouble and hasn't been rolling up or down and has been stuck in a slightly down position leaving about a 2 inch gap. I thought from all the research I have been doing that I was going to need a new regulator to fix this. This is a $50-80 part depending on were you get it from, I have even seen it priced up to $108. Well Gary gets here opens the door, jiggles the handle on the window pulls it back up into place(something I tried to do but was worried I may break something so I stopped) and tells me that no I don't need a new regulator just some new rollers, 2 in fact, a little grease, a wire brush and some grease cleaner. I only need about $5 in supplies to fix this damn thing that I have been putting off for a month because I didn't have any cash to buy the stupid part. So I just need these silly little rubber rollers that run $1 each and some cleaner since my Dad had the rest of the things I need.

Plus my Dad has rented a garage to use to work on his car and is going to let me use it and his tools as I need to. Hooray for warm dry garages.

So hopefully I can get the window fixed this weekend and if everything seems to be staying dry I am also going to install my stereo. I will have music in my car again! While the current stock AM radio is great, classic, and will be staying in place; it's 3 stations I have managed to get in just don't compare to a little Flogging Molly or Finger Eleven while you are driving around.

So I am restlessly waiting to get my car back. I was sad to see it drive away this morning. Very strange feeling seeing someone else driving my car and stepping out for a smoke and it not being there. Bobby drove it once about 4 blocks to Fred Meyer and decided he wasn't comfortable doing it again, because he didn't want to be responsible for the possibility of it getting hurt. So since I have owned the car I really am the only person who has driven it. hmmm...over protective much. Either way I am trying to be patient.

Today feels like a lazy day to me. I should be working since I am stuck at home but despite it being 2:45 in the afternoon the only work I have gotten done is a quick check of my e-mails and voice messages and talking to the exterminator, James, about music and movies for 30 min. (Not exactly work but he was here to do some, lol) The rest of my day has been spent playing Final Fantasy 7, dinking around on myspace, looking up parts for my car, and wishing I had a way to go get some coffee. I do more work when I have stuff to do out of the house all day. So my cry of desperation and dorkyness...come back car I am wierdly co dependent and I miss you. Annndddd....I want coffee.

Can't Sleep

Just thought I would move over some blogs I had on Myspace:

Wednesday, January 14, 2009 1:14am
Can't Sleep Current mood: inspired Category: Life

I'm am unable to sleep as I had a little too much espresso so I figured I would write. I used to write much more regularly when I was in high school but for some reason I have gotten out of the habit. Granted back then it was horrible poetry full of my rebellious melodramatic teen angst that looking back now just shows me how much I was a child, despite by unfaltering belief that I was just as grown up and mature as most 30 year olds that actually had there shit together. Of course I believed this despite my barely passing grades and a crappy part time job a dairy queen that out in the real world would have barley fed me let alone provided any sort of shelter or the ability to pay my bills. I also had a few bad habits and thought process I wont go into due to a few possible audience members and not wanting to listen to their mother bitch me out for being a bad influence if she were to find out. It is amazing to see how much life can change, in over the reality of a average life, in only a few short years. I am still clinging to parts of my crazy teen years, a desperate attempt on my part to maintain some individuality and a little excitement in my life, but overall I am becoming a grown up. However, I am still learning what that means.

As some of you may know 2008 was a hard year for me. I suffered a loss and it has made me question who I am and what I want from my life. Answers are still foggy and the jury at times is possibly out on my level of sanity, but I am learning to be happy with me. I have spent most of my life taking care of others, my little brother, friends, my husband, and it has often left me neglecting the things I needed and wanted. But I have started a new chapter in my life, I have begun taking care of myself. I have found a few things that I enjoy doing, I have begun leaving my house more often and spending time in the world. I have reclaimed a bit of the social butterfly in myself that I use to be a large part of my personality when I was younger. I am slowly making new friends as I unfortunately lost real contact with most of my old ones during my hermit days. I am finding happiness again. This of course has changed a few relationships, some not always in the most positive of ways, as I have had to make changes and sacrifices. While some of the states of these relationships have caused some stress, sadness, and anger recently, I am holding on tight. I however am hoping that these things will in time work out however they are supposed to with some gentle smoothing of feathers, some work, and faith in who I am becoming is the right path and the peace I am gaining knowing that it is okay to take care of myself.

I really do feel as though I am claiming a little piece of this world for my self day by day. I am working through some grief that I held off on feeling and have resigned my self to becoming a solid, sane, generally happy person. I am starting to make goals again and am slowly starting to take my baby steps necessary to make them a reality. I have started seeing a counselor (judge if you want, it is a great impartial sounding board) she doesn't say much but I get to talk out whats in my head and help myself work toward a solid thought process. I guess she is similar to an expensive journal who throws in a few insights and affirmations here and there but it works for me for the time being. Hey! what can I say I'm a bit crazy and that's okay, it gives me character.

I've decided to go back to school in the Fall. I am fighting the fear of failure and am going to make the leap and go get my bachelors degree. I miss school so much, I can't even describe how mushy I feel my brain has become in the last 9 months. I miss the arguments in sociology the thrill of learning something new everyday I even miss the stress of staying up late to finish a 10+ page paper. So my major is going to be.....have to build a little suspense here.....Business management with a focus in finance and I am hoping to get a minor in Public health education. I just can't give up the health field, I tried but I love it too much. I really want to do financial planning, I am a complete dork and obsessed with money management and ways to save money. Go ahead and laugh or think I am weird if you must, I am freely admitting to the myspace world, or at least those of you on my friends list, that I am one of those crazy people who enjoys crunching the numbers and balancing my check book. I am hoping to have a Masters Degree in 4 years or less, but I am just going to take things one step at a time and leave it at that. So PSU, I will defeat you, I will win. Take that.

So to my new world, I am excited, anxious, and hopeful to meet you and all you have to offer to me. I may fall on my ass, but I have every intention of getting back up brushing myself off and continuing to find the beauty that life can give me.

To those of you that made it through this...wish me luck. I also apologize for any spelling errors, it is 1am and myspace wont let me copy to word to use spell check.

-Nicole

Update on my 101 things

So I have decided to scrap my 101 things list. While I still should do some of the things on the list and they are good things to work towards I have found my self not wanting to Blog on here because I feel as though I have to complete or work on one of the items on the list to be able to write. I may still cross of anything I do on it if I complete them but I have other things going on in my life that I would like to focus on for the time being. The list just doesn't feel all that important right now and some of the items just seem silly. So I am consciously deciding to give up on the list and put it on the back burner. Aaaahhhh, ok so onto a new day and a new mind set for blogging.

Sunshine

I was reading a magazine this evening and came across a quote that stood out to me:

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them." - Louisa May Alcott

I have had this running through my head since I came across it. I have been racking my brain recently trying to think of what I want to major in, basically decide the age old question "what do I want to be when I grow up?". Of course this means that I have to really decide which direction I want to send my life into, I have to grow up. Now despite the many changes in my life I have made toward adulthood, this is something I am having trouble doing. Granted I have gotten married, purchased a vehicle, moved away from the parents, I pay my bills, all of the responsible grown up actions. The idea of leaving my old life of partying ans spontaneity scares me. Not that I have truly partied or done anything wild and crazy in years, I still held onto the idea that I still could do all of this if I really wanted to. While I am sure many of you are thinking you can still do this no matter what major you pick, the truth is that I think this is a large part of what is holding me back from making a real decision. I feel that making this choice, a choice that will essentially point the rest of my life into a solid direction, is my way of saying good bye to my young carefree days.

I have realized that this decision truly requires a lot of thought about what my other goals would be in life. Goals about children, whether I want to buy a house, where I would want to buy a house: in the city, in the country, the suburbs. Will I want to be a stay at home mom or a working mom if I have kids, do I want a job that pays a lot or a job that I will LOVE or a middle ground. In this search through my head I have realized that my life is completely different then I expected it to be. First off most of my life, up until about 7 years ago I never expected or really even wanted to get married or have kids. Obviously I am now married and apparently have considered children. I expected to be living in an apartment by my self in downtown, hopefully with out a roommate, working some basic job, taking a couple of classes here and there and living it up with my friends, maybe with a boyfriend here or there. In fact I ran into an old school mate the other day who I hadn't seen or talked to in 8 years or so and after I told him I was married he got a surprised look on his face and responded with " I never thought you would be the type to get married". His comment could be taken in a few ways I suppose, but either way it obviously wasn't something anyone expected or foresaw me doing, including my own mother actually. I now am married, thinking about children, am saving money for the future, and am considering going with money over happiness for a career.

Nothing has turned out the way I envisioned, so this quote made me think where is the beauty in my life? What is my sunshine? What am I reaching to achieve?

• Well my husband is very important to me, we are good together, we help each other when we set out for goals. I am very grateful he is in my life.
• I have stability, which I never thought was really essential before but it is very comforting to have. I don't worry about, what I am coming home to or how I will pay my bills. I know I have what I need and I don't have to worry.
• I have realized that I love school, I enjoy learning. I love having something new to talk about and knowing what I am talking about. I also love to teach others what I have learned. I find knowledge fulfilling.
• I love money, I like learning about it, reading about it, managing it, I want to make my money work for me instead of working for it. I like spending it too, but that isn't always a good thing.

As for goals, I am seriously considering majoring in Business Management with a double minor of Finance and Public Health. This fits my love for money, control, and my desire to help others, plus with my property management experience it will leave me a lot of career options. In the end I have decided it is time to give up my youth and move on to begin a new adult me. My past experiences have lead me here they have lead to a new sunshine, a new beauty. I need to reach for a future that I never expected to be going toward. Sometime the unexpected can be even better.