Sunshine

I was reading a magazine this evening and came across a quote that stood out to me:

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them." - Louisa May Alcott

I have had this running through my head since I came across it. I have been racking my brain recently trying to think of what I want to major in, basically decide the age old question "what do I want to be when I grow up?". Of course this means that I have to really decide which direction I want to send my life into, I have to grow up. Now despite the many changes in my life I have made toward adulthood, this is something I am having trouble doing. Granted I have gotten married, purchased a vehicle, moved away from the parents, I pay my bills, all of the responsible grown up actions. The idea of leaving my old life of partying ans spontaneity scares me. Not that I have truly partied or done anything wild and crazy in years, I still held onto the idea that I still could do all of this if I really wanted to. While I am sure many of you are thinking you can still do this no matter what major you pick, the truth is that I think this is a large part of what is holding me back from making a real decision. I feel that making this choice, a choice that will essentially point the rest of my life into a solid direction, is my way of saying good bye to my young carefree days.

I have realized that this decision truly requires a lot of thought about what my other goals would be in life. Goals about children, whether I want to buy a house, where I would want to buy a house: in the city, in the country, the suburbs. Will I want to be a stay at home mom or a working mom if I have kids, do I want a job that pays a lot or a job that I will LOVE or a middle ground. In this search through my head I have realized that my life is completely different then I expected it to be. First off most of my life, up until about 7 years ago I never expected or really even wanted to get married or have kids. Obviously I am now married and apparently have considered children. I expected to be living in an apartment by my self in downtown, hopefully with out a roommate, working some basic job, taking a couple of classes here and there and living it up with my friends, maybe with a boyfriend here or there. In fact I ran into an old school mate the other day who I hadn't seen or talked to in 8 years or so and after I told him I was married he got a surprised look on his face and responded with " I never thought you would be the type to get married". His comment could be taken in a few ways I suppose, but either way it obviously wasn't something anyone expected or foresaw me doing, including my own mother actually. I now am married, thinking about children, am saving money for the future, and am considering going with money over happiness for a career.

Nothing has turned out the way I envisioned, so this quote made me think where is the beauty in my life? What is my sunshine? What am I reaching to achieve?

• Well my husband is very important to me, we are good together, we help each other when we set out for goals. I am very grateful he is in my life.
• I have stability, which I never thought was really essential before but it is very comforting to have. I don't worry about, what I am coming home to or how I will pay my bills. I know I have what I need and I don't have to worry.
• I have realized that I love school, I enjoy learning. I love having something new to talk about and knowing what I am talking about. I also love to teach others what I have learned. I find knowledge fulfilling.
• I love money, I like learning about it, reading about it, managing it, I want to make my money work for me instead of working for it. I like spending it too, but that isn't always a good thing.

As for goals, I am seriously considering majoring in Business Management with a double minor of Finance and Public Health. This fits my love for money, control, and my desire to help others, plus with my property management experience it will leave me a lot of career options. In the end I have decided it is time to give up my youth and move on to begin a new adult me. My past experiences have lead me here they have lead to a new sunshine, a new beauty. I need to reach for a future that I never expected to be going toward. Sometime the unexpected can be even better.

Update 3: 101 things

So I have completed another book. It is called Good In Bed by Jennifer Weiner. So it's official, I like chick lit books, I am a girl though so I am pretty ok with this, and this book is obviously popular enough that I got it at Target. I was actually impressed with the authors writing skills as well, the story flowed smoothly and kept me interested from the beginning. I recommend it for anyone who wants a fluff book to read.

My next very exciting completed task.....I got a new laptop! A Compaq Presario. After some research online and in store browsing I found it for a low price of $499 on a labor day sale at Circuit City. With some help from my dad I was able to replace my dying, slow, overheating, 6 1/2 year old Dell. I am still not looking forward to adjusting to Windows Vista but I guess we all will have to move on with the technological times eventually. I still need to transfer a few more things from my old computer on to the new one, which I am taking my time doing since it takes a lot of time to sort through everything I had on there, but I think me and this computer will have a good relationship once I get everything set-up. I am thrilled with my new purchase.

Update 2: My 101 things

I was thinking the other day and realized that the 2 washers and the dryer I had removed would technically be 3 things that I got rid of that I didn't need. So I have now gotten rid of 4 out 101 things I didn't need. Go me!

My savings is also now at $851 out of $5000. Once again GO ME!!!

I also bought some storage bins and shelves for my basement so I can start organizing it.

So a small update but a nice one.

Update on my 101 things

As promised by my 101 things list a blog an the current accomplishments. As you can see I completed my list. It took me a while and a lot of thought but it is done. Go me!!!

I marked that I have started my camping goal, we went to Gales creek in the Tillamok Forrest. It was a really nice place. Bobby and I took his Mom this time which was neat because at the age of 57 this was here first time ever going camping. I am proud to report that she had lots of fun. I enjoyed myself as well. I was a total pain in the ass to find a space though. Out of the 3 main camp sites on hwy 6 in the Tillamok Forrest there were only 2 spaces available when we got there on Saturday and they were right next to each other. This place really made me want to plan a huge camping trip next year though. Lots of Friends and family involved, I learned form my 21st birthday camping trip that those types of trips are really the funnest. So who wants to be part of my plan of campsite domination next year???

I also read a whole book while I was camping called "Baby Proof" by Emily Griffin. Basic chick lit fluff, decent writer. I found it entertaining enough, but if you don't well then ok. If you really want to know what the book is about I can tell you. Or you could read it. Just a thought there.

Ok so next the reusable bag thing, not a particularly exciting topic I guess. I have purchased 4 bags so far and planing on buying 4 more. I don't want to get stuck paying $0.20 a bag if the proposed tax passes. Plus currently Fred Meyers gives you $0.05 off per bag when you bring in your own so eventually they will pay for themselves. The bags also carry more and have thicker handles so I don't get the circulation cut off from my fingers as I am carrying them into the house like the plastic ones do then they are heavy. So this so far is my single contribution to going green. ok... and the once in a blue moon when I unblock drains using baking soda and vinegar, but that is mostly because it works and I have it in the house. Whoo Hooo for going green... or something like that.

Making a budget. I've been off and on about this for about a year now and I was never that serious about it until last month. So I made a budget and well it kinda worked. It still needs a lot of tweaking so until I can get us and it to a realistic compromise this will just stay in the "in progress" category. Either that or I need to will the lottery jackpot, then I really doesn't matter how much I spend on hookers and blow (j/k) life would be grand.

Ok so I cheated a little on the saving $5,000 thing, I counted money I have already put into our emergency fund over the last year. Oh well, I'm ok with it, and my list mean it becomes my rules. Haha 20 double aught, I win. (if you know what that meant, then yes you are a dork, but is ok I am the one making D&D references so guess what that makes me.)

I will also be transfering my whopping $15.00 into savings for the 3 tasks that are compleated when I am done with this post, hey which of course will bring my savings up a bit.

Buy a new washing machine, yes it happened, I bet you are all so giddy for my mundane grown up purchase of a Kenmore 80 sieres washing machine. We got it from a discount appliance store on 104th and Sandy. Whooo Hoooo. We brought it home and it leaked. Just like the one we were replacing. Whooo Hooo. We took it back and got a new one. Whoo hooo. Ok so the old one did sit in our drive way for a week and a half because we didn't really know what to do with it. We considered putting it in the shed with the washer and dryer that my parents gave us out of thier basement when we moved in here, that also had a leaking washing machine ( I swear it is a coincidence). Anyways, I was just about it put it in the shed and call it the laundry room grave yard when a man knocked on my door asking if I wanted to take away the machine sitting in my drive way I jumped on the chance and offered the other ones in the shed to him as well, and he took them. So really whoo hooo no my laundry room grave yard for me, and no more saving quarters and planning my time around doing laundry at my moms house. Plus the guy gave me his number in case I have any more scrap metal laying around. He uses them money from it to drive to his landscaping jobs, way to be creative with the insane gas costs.

Ok so I am obviously writing in my blog. This is proof, you heard it here first.

I gave a sheet set to Dajah for her new bed since our bed is so thick that the only sheet I can find to fit it cost $100+ ( don't get me started on the BS of this, for the amount I paid for that bed....., I probably would have picked a different bed had of known, the bed is sooo comfortable though) and my old ones just don't fit. I plan it give her another set too. Which will mean I got rid of (2/101) thinks I don't need. Wow maybe I should be making a little more effort on this one.

Not too exciting but I am making an effort to pay off the Credit Cards it is part of the new budget plan. I do however hate my CC now though. They raised my APR to 17.99%. I was is shock when I opened my statement. Here is a post I made about it on a money message board I frequent:

"So I just received my statement in the mail today and my interest rate jumped up
8% and is now 17.99%. I am pissed. I called and talked to someone on the phone
who told me that it was because of my FICO score. After trying to get her to
explain why that was since my FICO score has gone up 100 points since I got the
card last year. I also have been paying more then the minimum trying to pay it
off for the last 6 months. I have never been late on a payment and I haven't
opened any other accounts anywhere in 6 months as DH and I have learned the
error of our past MM mistakes and have been in debt pay off mode. After getting
no where with the rep I asked to talk to a manager. Manager gets on the phone
and after explaining my irritation and what the rep told me he tells me the only
thing he can do for me is close the card and he can put the card back to 9.9% so
I have a lower interest rate to pay off the card. I found it crazy that they
would just throw away a customer like that. He also tried to tell me that the
account was reviewed in May and they found that I had become more of a risk
which is why they raised my interest rate. The only way I am more of a risk is
that I may actually pay them off and they won't earn as much interest off of
me."

So as you can see it sucks but I plan to get a new credit card with a 0% or low % APR transfer the balance and cut up the current card or lock it in my safe.

I beat "Champions: Return to Arms" on PS2 with the hubby( I beat "Champions of Norath" a couple of weeks ago as well), while fun it makes me remember why we sold our PS2 and Xbox last year. Video Games are addicting and I spend way too much time playing them when I feel challenge to finish it. So I have only played once since I completed the game, and only for about 15 minutes. The system has been sitting on my floor untouched for the last week now though and I hope my little bro comes around soon so I can give it back to him before I find an new game to obsess over and monopolise what little time I have left in my day. You hear that Trevor, come save me from your PS2!!!

Ok, I stared the free rice thing as well, it is a good filler while you are waiting for a client to show or a conference call. Its a cool and noble idea and kind of like charity.... hmmm wonder if I can write rice off on my taxes.

101 things to do in 1001 days

So it has been a few months since I posted but I have decided that I am going to start making a more conscious effort to keep up with this. So as a motivation to do so I am going to be doing the 101 things in a 1001 days project. I started on August 1st and didn't post until now because my list wasn't finishe but as you will see from my #1 it fit in with my goals.

For anyone not familiar with this you can get more info form: http://triplux.stilljournal.com/dayzero/ or here is the rundown on it.

Creating your own 1001 Day Project

The Mission:Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.The Criteria:Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part). Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.Some common goal setting tips:


1. Be decisive. Know exactly what you want, why you want it, and how you plan to achieve it.
2. Stay Focused. Any goal requires sustained focus from beginning to end. Constantly evaluate your progress.
3. Welcome Failure. Frequently, very little is learned from a venture that did not experience failure in some form. Failure presents the opportunity to learn and makes the success more worthy.
4. Write down your goals. It clarifies your thinking and reinforces your commitment.
5. Keep your goals in sight. Review them frequently, and ensure that they are always at the forefront of your thinking..

And my list:

Not done In progress Done

101 things to do in 1001 days (8/1/1008 – 4/29/2011)

1. Finish this list by 8/14/2008 - as of 8/14/2008
2. Go to Ashley’s garden and plant flowers
3. Go Camping 3 times (1/3)
4. Read 10 non-school books cover to cover (4/10)
5. Get a one hour massage 3 times (0/3)
6. Switch to reusable grocery bags.
7. Make a budget
8. Save $5.00 for each completed task (4/101)
9. Get a new computer
10. Identify 101 things that make me happy (0/101)
11. Do OAMC (once-a-month cooking) 4 times (0/4)
12. Write a personal mission statement
13. Build an emergency fund of $5,000.00 (250/5000)
14. Open a 401k or IRA
15. Eat at 10 restaurants I have never been to before (3/10)
16. Buy a new washing machine
17. Write in my blog at least 50 times (12/50)
18. Get rid of 101 things I don’t need (4/101)
19. Donate $5.00 to a charity for each task not completed at the end of 1001 days.
20. Go to an art museum
21. Go to an amusement park or carnival and ride some of the rides
22. Buy 3 stocks (0/3)
23. Watch all 100 movies on AFI’s 100 years…100 movies list 2007 version (18/100)
24. Get Pregnant
25. Get weight down to 170
26. Get weight down to 160
27. Get weight down to 150
28. Get weight down to 140
29. Change out ceiling fan in Living room
30. Put crown molding in Dinning room
31. Change out light fixture in entryway
32. Install lights in basement
33. Put curtains in Living room
34. Paint the kitchen cabinets
35. Quit smoking
36. Do the 26 Things Project (Take a picture of 1 thing for each letter of the alphabet) and make a photo book of it
37. Pay off the credit cards
38. Make a 5 day emergency kit
39. Buy a new (to us) car
40. Finish the baby blanket I have been making
41. Go tanning
42. See Rocky Horror Picture Show
43. Organize files
44. Make a will
45. Switch to CFL bulbs throughout the house
46. Fix the drip in the bathtub
47. Decide on a major and start school for it.
48. Write a blog of each task I complete on this list
49. Have a girls only night out
50. Crochet or knit a scarf
51. Complete 9 weeks of the Couch to 5k challenge
52. Get a facial
53. Replace dimmer switch in dinning room
54. Get my transcript sent to PSU
55. Start a vegetable garden
56. Have a romantic weekend away with Bobby
57. Vote in the November 2008 election
58. Buy a treadmill or an elliptical machine
59. Can something – (jam, fruit, veggies, ect.)
60. Plant flowers around the tree in the front yard
61. Organize the bedroom closet
62. Set up organization system in basement
63. Get patio furniture for front porch
64. Take a hot bubble bath
65. Go to a concert or play twice (0/2)
66. Go to a casino and play a round on the slots
67. Get renters insurance
68. Apply to be on a game show
69. Make 10 of the 50 best cookie recipes on the internet (0/10)
70. Make a bag out of plastic grocery bags
71. Learn to make cheese
72. Learn to make bar soap
73. Make my own laundry soap
74. Set up arch in front yard
75. Put pictures in large frames and hang up
76. Create a control journal or buy one and customize it
77. Go to the Chinese or Japanese Gardens
78. Get a second hole piercing in my ears
79. Beat a video game
80. Go through an entire bottle of vitamins (0/100)
81. get a henna tattoo
82. Steam clean the carpet on the main three times (0/3)
83. Get Nana’s recipe for jam
84. Renew vows on 5th wedding anniversary – 06/11/2010
85. Get life insurance for Bobby and myself
86. Read 10 of MLA's 30 Books Every Adult Should Read Before They Die (0/10)
87. Organize this list
88. Keep my planner up to date and use it every day for 30 days (0/30
89. Donate 100,000 grains of rice to http://www.freerice.com/ (2700/100,000)
90. Buy four more tin signs for the kitchen (0/4)
91. Make or buy curtain or valance for the kitchen
92. Go on a vacation to another country
93. Get my passport
94. Throw another Halloween party
95. Clean and organize my work office
96. Go to the dentist
97. Get dental insurance
98. Replace burner on stove
99. Finish a 3000+ piece puzzle
100. Write a Christmas letter and mail it to all my family
101. Try out 10 new recipes

My Baby Story

On February 18th, 2008 Bob and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited. It was our first month off birth control and we were lucky enough to get pregnant our first cycle. We decided to give our little one the fetal name of Frankenstein. Bobby was always saying that he though we should name our child Frankenstein this was my compromise to my silly husband. Very early the next morning we left for vacation to Florida to see the family farm. We shared our exciting news with Bob’s siblings, Dad, step mom, and paternal grandparents. Not only was the vacation itself great we got to float on even more of an excitement high because of our wonderful news. We came back home to Portland after a week and shared the news with all of our other family and friends.

Unfortunately there were two messages waiting on our answering machine after our Florida vacation. A week prior to our departure I had blood drawn to check for a chromosome translocation. When the doctor calls to tell you that they want to talk to you about test results rather then mailing you results you usually know it isn’t good news. My mother has this translocation and had passed it on to my little brother, my sister, and had seven miscarriages because of it. I went to the Doctor a few days after returning only to have a confirmation that I too am a carrier. I also was lucky enough to have my mom go with me on this visit to the doctor. So needless to say I have a balance chromosome translocation of chromosomes 3 and 12. I was terrified of what this meant for my now unborn child. My doctor referred me to a very great high risk OB, mostly due to my mom’s explanation of everything she had gone through because of this.

Other then my moms seven miscarriages, my sister was born six weeks early, had no aorta, two holes in her heart, six fingers and toes on each hand and foot, and abnormal brain activity. After a few open heart surgeries at only a few days old she died at 29 days old. I was almost 3 at the time and still have memories of my sweet baby sister, even with all of the tubes and monitors, all of my memories are positive. All of these problems were due to passing on the translocation in an unbalanced way. My little brother and I both have a balanced translocation like my mom. My brother however was born 7 weeks early, while we assume this is due to my mother getting pregnant only a couple of moths after my sister was born and that my sister was preemie, there is always a possibility that this could be related to the chromosome factor. I on the other hand was a week late.

My first appointment at my OB’s office I met with genetic counselor. She explained to me that I had a 25% chance of having a “normal” child, a 25% chance of passing on the balanced translocation that I have, a 25% chance of an unbalanced translocation were the baby had too much 12 and not enough 3, and a 25% chance of passing on a unbalanced translocation of too much 3 and not enough 12 (this is what my little sister had). She explained to me that I could have an amniocenteses done at 16 week or a CVS at 10-14 weeks along and both of these tests could tell us if I had passed on the translocation and if so which scenario. Bobby and I made the decision to do the CVS when we reach 11 weeks.

We got ultrasounds done at 6 weeks 2 days, 7 weeks 1 day, and 9 weeks 1 day. The baby was growing by leaps and bounds, it was amazing to see the flicker of the heart beat and hear the thudding that went along with it. Bobby and I joked that with as often as we were getting ultrasounds that we should make a flip book of our little Frankenstein.

I was lucky enough during all of those weeks to only have some nausea. No throwing up for me. I did have a few aversions to foods and I weird cravings for root beer and oranges…don’t worry not together.

On May 7th (the day before my birthday), at 11 weeks 1 day, we went into the doctors for a meeting with our genetic counselor, an ultrasound, our CVS and a meeting with my OB. During the ultrasound I looked at my little one on the monitor and started to notice that the tech started to look worried. I began looking for the heart beat on the monitor, I couldn’t see it. Then the tech said exactly what I or any other pregnant woman fears hearing. “Nicole, I can’t find the heart beat, I’m going to go get the doctor.” My heart dropped. A doctor I had never met came in and confirmed the bad news and I broke. I cried and Bobby held me, after a few minutes my doctor came in and told me to take the time I needed and we could go talk in her office when I was ready. I pulled myself together long enough to get to her office and hear my options. I chose to go home to think about this. I decided to have a D&C, after thinking about it I decided that it would be emotionally easier for me. I don’t know how I could have handled dealing with passing my baby at home on my own. After my D&C my surgeon said it probably would have been at least 3 weeks before my body would have done it on its own anyways.

So I am 8 days past my D&C today, and physically I am doing ok now, I still am very emotional over this whole process. I fear that I may never be able to have a baby on my own. To be honest I am afraid to try again. Bobby really seems to be doing ok, and a small part of me resents that. I can barely stand to see people who are pregnant or with little babies around me. I feel bitter thinking of all of those people who get pregnant or have children who don’t care about them or want them, when I want a baby so badly. I would care for and love a child so so so much; it hurts me so much to think it may never happen for me.

I keep thinking that I should be proactive and research IVF or adoption. My genetic counselor mentioned that we could do IVF and have the eggs sorted to weed out any with the chromosomal defect. Bobby has made it clear that he basically wants to wait a minimum of 6 months before even talking about babies again. I feel like it’s best to just start at least find out what we need to do to make these happen. Let just say we aren’t rolling in the dough. We can’t currently afford the $10.000+ price tag on IVF and what person is going to want to give a couple, that most would consider poor, a baby in adoption. The truth is that we are far from rich. We “technically” rent, and our income looks as though we are barely over the poverty line. The rest of the truth….. Our rent is dirt (and I do mean dirt) cheap because I manage a complex behind our 3 bedroom house and the rent comes out of my check pretax so our income is larger then what our taxes show. The just above poverty income we have is just for basic utilities, a car payment, on two credit card payments. Other then our car (which is very minor), some student loans, and a very small amount of credit card debt we basically own nothing. Plus I work from home so I would be able to be home with a baby almost all of the time. All of our family lives close and is so supportive if we ever needed help. I guess I keep trying to convince myself that I would be a good mother, and that other people should see that. I wish I just had the monetary means to make it possible to make my dream come true.

If anyone has made it this far I commend you. I wonder how I was able to get all the way through sharing this story. This is the Blog of me, my life. I’ll share when I feel the need to and just when I want to. Hopefully next time I’ll have something happier to share.