On February 18th, 2008 Bob and I found out we were pregnant. We were so excited. It was our first month off birth control and we were lucky enough to get pregnant our first cycle. We decided to give our little one the fetal name of Frankenstein. Bobby was always saying that he though we should name our child Frankenstein this was my compromise to my silly husband. Very early the next morning we left for vacation to Florida to see the family farm. We shared our exciting news with Bob’s siblings, Dad, step mom, and paternal grandparents. Not only was the vacation itself great we got to float on even more of an excitement high because of our wonderful news. We came back home to Portland after a week and shared the news with all of our other family and friends.
Unfortunately there were two messages waiting on our answering machine after our Florida vacation. A week prior to our departure I had blood drawn to check for a chromosome translocation. When the doctor calls to tell you that they want to talk to you about test results rather then mailing you results you usually know it isn’t good news. My mother has this translocation and had passed it on to my little brother, my sister, and had seven miscarriages because of it. I went to the Doctor a few days after returning only to have a confirmation that I too am a carrier. I also was lucky enough to have my mom go with me on this visit to the doctor. So needless to say I have a balance chromosome translocation of chromosomes 3 and 12. I was terrified of what this meant for my now unborn child. My doctor referred me to a very great high risk OB, mostly due to my mom’s explanation of everything she had gone through because of this.
Other then my moms seven miscarriages, my sister was born six weeks early, had no aorta, two holes in her heart, six fingers and toes on each hand and foot, and abnormal brain activity. After a few open heart surgeries at only a few days old she died at 29 days old. I was almost 3 at the time and still have memories of my sweet baby sister, even with all of the tubes and monitors, all of my memories are positive. All of these problems were due to passing on the translocation in an unbalanced way. My little brother and I both have a balanced translocation like my mom. My brother however was born 7 weeks early, while we assume this is due to my mother getting pregnant only a couple of moths after my sister was born and that my sister was preemie, there is always a possibility that this could be related to the chromosome factor. I on the other hand was a week late.
My first appointment at my OB’s office I met with genetic counselor. She explained to me that I had a 25% chance of having a “normal” child, a 25% chance of passing on the balanced translocation that I have, a 25% chance of an unbalanced translocation were the baby had too much 12 and not enough 3, and a 25% chance of passing on a unbalanced translocation of too much 3 and not enough 12 (this is what my little sister had). She explained to me that I could have an amniocenteses done at 16 week or a CVS at 10-14 weeks along and both of these tests could tell us if I had passed on the translocation and if so which scenario. Bobby and I made the decision to do the CVS when we reach 11 weeks.
We got ultrasounds done at 6 weeks 2 days, 7 weeks 1 day, and 9 weeks 1 day. The baby was growing by leaps and bounds, it was amazing to see the flicker of the heart beat and hear the thudding that went along with it. Bobby and I joked that with as often as we were getting ultrasounds that we should make a flip book of our little Frankenstein.
I was lucky enough during all of those weeks to only have some nausea. No throwing up for me. I did have a few aversions to foods and I weird cravings for root beer and oranges…don’t worry not together.
On May 7th (the day before my birthday), at 11 weeks 1 day, we went into the doctors for a meeting with our genetic counselor, an ultrasound, our CVS and a meeting with my OB. During the ultrasound I looked at my little one on the monitor and started to notice that the tech started to look worried. I began looking for the heart beat on the monitor, I couldn’t see it. Then the tech said exactly what I or any other pregnant woman fears hearing. “Nicole, I can’t find the heart beat, I’m going to go get the doctor.” My heart dropped. A doctor I had never met came in and confirmed the bad news and I broke. I cried and Bobby held me, after a few minutes my doctor came in and told me to take the time I needed and we could go talk in her office when I was ready. I pulled myself together long enough to get to her office and hear my options. I chose to go home to think about this. I decided to have a D&C, after thinking about it I decided that it would be emotionally easier for me. I don’t know how I could have handled dealing with passing my baby at home on my own. After my D&C my surgeon said it probably would have been at least 3 weeks before my body would have done it on its own anyways.
So I am 8 days past my D&C today, and physically I am doing ok now, I still am very emotional over this whole process. I fear that I may never be able to have a baby on my own. To be honest I am afraid to try again. Bobby really seems to be doing ok, and a small part of me resents that. I can barely stand to see people who are pregnant or with little babies around me. I feel bitter thinking of all of those people who get pregnant or have children who don’t care about them or want them, when I want a baby so badly. I would care for and love a child so so so much; it hurts me so much to think it may never happen for me.
I keep thinking that I should be proactive and research IVF or adoption. My genetic counselor mentioned that we could do IVF and have the eggs sorted to weed out any with the chromosomal defect. Bobby has made it clear that he basically wants to wait a minimum of 6 months before even talking about babies again. I feel like it’s best to just start at least find out what we need to do to make these happen. Let just say we aren’t rolling in the dough. We can’t currently afford the $10.000+ price tag on IVF and what person is going to want to give a couple, that most would consider poor, a baby in adoption. The truth is that we are far from rich. We “technically” rent, and our income looks as though we are barely over the poverty line. The rest of the truth….. Our rent is dirt (and I do mean dirt) cheap because I manage a complex behind our 3 bedroom house and the rent comes out of my check pretax so our income is larger then what our taxes show. The just above poverty income we have is just for basic utilities, a car payment, on two credit card payments. Other then our car (which is very minor), some student loans, and a very small amount of credit card debt we basically own nothing. Plus I work from home so I would be able to be home with a baby almost all of the time. All of our family lives close and is so supportive if we ever needed help. I guess I keep trying to convince myself that I would be a good mother, and that other people should see that. I wish I just had the monetary means to make it possible to make my dream come true.
If anyone has made it this far I commend you. I wonder how I was able to get all the way through sharing this story. This is the Blog of me, my life. I’ll share when I feel the need to and just when I want to. Hopefully next time I’ll have something happier to share.
14 years ago
