Just thought I would move over some blogs I had on Myspace:
Wednesday, January 14, 2009 1:14am
Can't Sleep Current mood: inspired Category: Life
I'm am unable to sleep as I had a little too much espresso so I figured I would write. I used to write much more regularly when I was in high school but for some reason I have gotten out of the habit. Granted back then it was horrible poetry full of my rebellious melodramatic teen angst that looking back now just shows me how much I was a child, despite by unfaltering belief that I was just as grown up and mature as most 30 year olds that actually had there shit together. Of course I believed this despite my barely passing grades and a crappy part time job a dairy queen that out in the real world would have barley fed me let alone provided any sort of shelter or the ability to pay my bills. I also had a few bad habits and thought process I wont go into due to a few possible audience members and not wanting to listen to their mother bitch me out for being a bad influence if she were to find out. It is amazing to see how much life can change, in over the reality of a average life, in only a few short years. I am still clinging to parts of my crazy teen years, a desperate attempt on my part to maintain some individuality and a little excitement in my life, but overall I am becoming a grown up. However, I am still learning what that means.
As some of you may know 2008 was a hard year for me. I suffered a loss and it has made me question who I am and what I want from my life. Answers are still foggy and the jury at times is possibly out on my level of sanity, but I am learning to be happy with me. I have spent most of my life taking care of others, my little brother, friends, my husband, and it has often left me neglecting the things I needed and wanted. But I have started a new chapter in my life, I have begun taking care of myself. I have found a few things that I enjoy doing, I have begun leaving my house more often and spending time in the world. I have reclaimed a bit of the social butterfly in myself that I use to be a large part of my personality when I was younger. I am slowly making new friends as I unfortunately lost real contact with most of my old ones during my hermit days. I am finding happiness again. This of course has changed a few relationships, some not always in the most positive of ways, as I have had to make changes and sacrifices. While some of the states of these relationships have caused some stress, sadness, and anger recently, I am holding on tight. I however am hoping that these things will in time work out however they are supposed to with some gentle smoothing of feathers, some work, and faith in who I am becoming is the right path and the peace I am gaining knowing that it is okay to take care of myself.
I really do feel as though I am claiming a little piece of this world for my self day by day. I am working through some grief that I held off on feeling and have resigned my self to becoming a solid, sane, generally happy person. I am starting to make goals again and am slowly starting to take my baby steps necessary to make them a reality. I have started seeing a counselor (judge if you want, it is a great impartial sounding board) she doesn't say much but I get to talk out whats in my head and help myself work toward a solid thought process. I guess she is similar to an expensive journal who throws in a few insights and affirmations here and there but it works for me for the time being. Hey! what can I say I'm a bit crazy and that's okay, it gives me character.
I've decided to go back to school in the Fall. I am fighting the fear of failure and am going to make the leap and go get my bachelors degree. I miss school so much, I can't even describe how mushy I feel my brain has become in the last 9 months. I miss the arguments in sociology the thrill of learning something new everyday I even miss the stress of staying up late to finish a 10+ page paper. So my major is going to be.....have to build a little suspense here.....Business management with a focus in finance and I am hoping to get a minor in Public health education. I just can't give up the health field, I tried but I love it too much. I really want to do financial planning, I am a complete dork and obsessed with money management and ways to save money. Go ahead and laugh or think I am weird if you must, I am freely admitting to the myspace world, or at least those of you on my friends list, that I am one of those crazy people who enjoys crunching the numbers and balancing my check book. I am hoping to have a Masters Degree in 4 years or less, but I am just going to take things one step at a time and leave it at that. So PSU, I will defeat you, I will win. Take that.
So to my new world, I am excited, anxious, and hopeful to meet you and all you have to offer to me. I may fall on my ass, but I have every intention of getting back up brushing myself off and continuing to find the beauty that life can give me.
To those of you that made it through this...wish me luck. I also apologize for any spelling errors, it is 1am and myspace wont let me copy to word to use spell check.
-Nicole
14 years ago
