So I wasn't ready to write about this yesterday but I feel now that is would be good to put this in writing.
Yesterday Bobby came over to pick up some stuff. Basically I started crying within 10 minutes of him being here and continued to cry more and more for about an hour while he was here. I really do miss him so much. I feel so hurt that we are in this crappy situation. I did at one point stop thinking and let my self be run by my emotions and I asked him to come back home. To which he said...no. Well actually he said he is not coming home right now. I am not entirely sure when now will be but he did make the point that he needs to learn to appreciate me and what I do for him and vice versa, which while true sucks. I fear that the longer we are apart that we may learn to be so happy apart that we wont want to be together again or that we continue to grow farther apart that we are even less compatible then we have become. Sooo... after I was understandably yet painfully rejected I left him here to gather the rest of his stuff and went to my friend Dajah's house to talk about how much a moron I felt like I made myself look like.
So new issues have arisen though in my life and I am still trying to figure out how to deal with them. I let a friend move in with me. She was renting a room from a crazy lady who after a little drama told her she had 4 days to move out. She called me crying and I being in an unusual state of mind due to my recent separation and my vulnerable loneliness told her she could come stay with me for a while. Well I am realizing that while I don't want her on the street that is wasn't the best decision for me.Please note that my own personal life is a disaster and that I am more stressed and emotional then I have ever been in my life. I have found myself becoming more and more irritated with every little things she does, granted a few have been not so great roommate attributes (ie: eating my food), and honestly she has a lot going on in her life right now. I have found myself neglecting what I need to work on for me and my relationship with my husband and have become focused on her drama and my irritations with her. So the possible outcomes of this, I don't work on what I need to which will mean I can't fix my relationship, I continue to find new things to irritate me about this person I actually like who is living in my house which could ruin our friendship, I may break and snap and go psycho bitch on her which again will probably ruin our friendship, or I can find a way to explain this all to her with hopes that she will understand and she will find a new place to go, which will give us a chance at continuing to be friends or of course I could explain all of this to her and she will hate me and again ruin our friendship, which is not something I want. Problem is I feel guilty she really has only been here a week and a half and I would already be asking her to leave. But the truth is, I wasn't originally expecting this to be more then a month maybe two at max thing. I really origanally thought she just needed a place to go until she could find another place to go. I just got so sucked in that I stopped thinking about what I needed. I was trying so hard to help a friend in need that I didn't think and say no or wait I cant do this when I probably should have. I am just having such a hard time finding the right path on this. I need time for just me and I need space for just me, I need space and time to find what I need for myself and what I need and want from my marriage. I need to not be able to distract myself all of the time with someone else's turmoil and I need to find a way not to ruin my friendship and make things even worse in the process. I tried to sort of talk to her about this today but I just couldn't get it out the right way so I pretty much gave up.
At this point the only thing I can think of is to wait a few days or a week so I can start fresh and sit her down and be completely honest with her. Just hope she understands that this is something I need for me to heal and fix my life. That I have to make myself the priority. That I will give her a reasonable amount of time to find a place, but this is something I have to do. I really have to stop allowing my self to try to take on the responsibility of other peoples happiness and deal with my own.
14 years ago
