It's Hard to Come Up With a Title

Yesterday was Bobby and my first day with our new marriage counselor. Her experience and the fact that she graduated with honors for both her BA and Masters degree from PSU were a big draw for us. We were seeing graduate students at PSU counselling clinic before and while they did help us work on some of our communication issues, we had run into a road block with them. Our new counselor use to run the PSU clinic, she use to be the director of the sexual assault prevention and women’s self defense program, Women strength, for the Portland Police Bureau. She founded an organization providing education on child abuse, sexual assault and domestic violence. She has tons of training is different specialties one of which is marriage and family counselling. She now works a Providence hospital providing assessments and therapy she is the founder of the clinic she is giving us counselling through. The big draw was how she described her style on her website:

"My style is best described as forthright, grounded, honest and open. Therapy
with me is often challenging, frequently lighthearted, and always, always
supportive. I am relentlessly curious and I encourage you to be just as curious.
We’ll both ask and answer lots of questions. My expectation is that through your
thoughtful and honest consideration of these questions, and of my feedback as
well, you’ll find the solutions you’re looking for.One thing my clients will
tell you is that I’m a stickler for truth-telling. I try to be watchful, helping
clients recognize when they’re holding themselves (or me) at arm’s length from
the truth."

I see this style as just what we need. We need someone to be honest with us and tell us what we are doing wrong. We have lost a lot of our connection and haven't been able to find it again on our own.

I felt that our first session was really good, granted we are in the getting to know each other stage, but I really felt that she was asking real relevant questions rather then "and how did that make you feel". She was really trying to figure out what we needed and who we are as well as who we were. I think that this really could be a good positive thing for us and that she really may be able to help us. When I told her that we were looking forward to being told the real truth and being told what we have been doing wrong she was very receptive. Most counsellors seem to shy away from telling you "no, that is bad, you shouldn't be acting that way" but I think she may very well be willing to do that. She was also willing to work with the price a bit for us so we could do weekly sessions and then we will later go to longer then usual length bi-weekly sessions. I really am excited to see where this will lead us. I am really feeling optimistic.

I've been continuing to spend more time with Bobby lately. It really has been nice to just be around him and just be able to enjoy it rather then worry about all of the other stuff.

I was going through some files on my computer and found these. They always make me smile.
Bobby's:

Nicole (leaving out rest of name for privacy purposes), you have made me happier then I ever imagined I could be. You have brought light and warmth into my life that makes each day better then the last. You are my inspiration, my love and my best friend, and everyday I find something new to love about you. And so I commit myself, with all of the joy and love I possess, to be your husband. I promise to hold you when you are scared, to listen and comfort you when you are sad. I promise to take pride in you achievements, and joy in your happiness. I promise to support you and to be the best husband I can be for you. I promise to love you like a pineapple and to be your best friend, everyday, for the rest of my life.

Mine:


I have prayed for a man who would sweep me off my feet and share my feelings, hopes, and dreams. I dreamed of being in love and of someone loving me, but I never dreamed I could find someone who understood the love inside of me so completely. I dreamed of sharing my thoughts, but never dreamed someone could hear me without words. In my darkest troubles, in my brightest joys, in my coldest silence, in my warmest thoughts, I looked for you and you were there. Thank you for sharing in my belief that a day well-lived makes every yesterday a memory of love and tomorrow a vision of hope.
Bobby, I love you completely, as I did yesterday and as I will tomorrow. I will be there for you when you need me most. I will hold you in my heart as I do in my arms. I will share with you in your dreams, delight in your joys, and comfort you in your sorrows. I will be you confidant, your counsel, your friend, and your lover. When you are not within my sight, you will be in my thoughts. You are my life, you are my dreams, you are my joy, you are my love. At this moment you are all that I know and all that I see. As we grow old together and our love matures, may we hold on to the passion and affection for each other that we feel today. Not only do I love you today, not only will I love you for the rest of my life, I will love you for all of eternity. Bobby, this is my solemn vow to you.

I was planning to write more then this but I am tired and needing to go to bed so I am out for the night.

Just some memories

I'm apparently good at making myself sad.

Realizations

I have desperately been trying to keep myself busy lately. Yet am not succeeding as well as I had hoped. I honestly have been continuing to somewhat neglect work, I think mostly because I don't find it fulfilling, but I have also realized that my usual activity of sitting at Starbucks is really just not good for me. Don't get me wrong I love me some coffee as well as a lot of the other regulars at the specific store I visit and the general atmosphere of the place. Plus I like the fact that I can zone into a sudoku or crossword and just relax there. But... I spend way too much time there. This is not improving my life. While I do enjoy my time there, it has become too comfortable and I sit there all day not accomplishing anything that I need to get done. Then at the end of the day I am disappointed that I may have made it through 2-5 things on my to do list and none of the other 20. Of course I just turn around and do the exact same thing the next day and the day after. It just isn't healthy for me. I have all of these grand ideas of things I want to do for myself yet I really have made no progress. This really isn't Starbucks fault, it isn't really a money issue... OK maybe a little but it is still workable. It really is a....me issue. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I use to be a doer. I use to strive to complete a to do list each day, I use to always have drive to keep moving keep working toward my goals. I am in a rut, I think I may even be depressed...in fact it is highly likely that I am, I just can't seem to find my motivation my drive to do anything. I feel like sitting in front of my computer or in one of the comfy chairs at Starbucks and doing...nothing, I don't feel like working...so I procrastinate, I don't feel like sewing...so I procrastinate, I just keep putting everything off even stuff I like doing. I just don't know how to get that spark back, the motivation and drive. I have the desire to plan all of these wonderful things to do but I so sitting down. I may get myself to get supplies for a project but I never start working on it. I can plan everything out in great detail, what I want to do, how, where, maybe even plan for when... but do I follow through? Nope. I continue to sit to procrastinate, to feel underwhelmed and unfulfilled in my life. Yet I feel stressed and and overwhelmed by my planned projects because I plan thing after thing and never complete anything so it just piles up. I feel useless and a bit empty. I need my drive and motivation back. Who ever has it needs to return it, I would like to claim stolen property. I want my fire back, my spark for life and moving forward. I think I need to force my self to stay at home more or at lease to try to stay away for Starbucks more.

I do wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my last big plan disappeared from my life. I was supposed to have something/someone by my side through the next steps in life. I had a plan for him/her too. It makes sense from one perspective and makes me sad to think that I still may not be able to continue my life because I am holding myself back. That maybe I am not done grieving enough to step into the next chapter of my life. Yet on the other hand you have to move forward, its the right thing to do, I'm sure that is what he/she would want.

Wow, I think I may really just have issues.

Anyways, I spent a nice amount of time with Bobby the last to days. Wednesday he called out of the blue just because. He said he hadn't talked to me in a while and missed doing so. We ended up meeting for coffee near the Lloyd Center mall. Eventually ended up at the Denny's across the street for some soup and worked on the crossword together a bit, headed over to the mall and wandered through barely stopping at any stores, then we went and sat in front of his moms house and talked, cuddled and kissed a bit for a while about 4 hours in total together. Last night, Thursday, we met at the Triple Nickle sat outside most of the time and chatted for a bit. He eventually ended up coming back to the house, technically for his inhaler, we really spent the majority of the time making out and eventually ended up upstairs for a while and then he went back to his moms. I have enjoyed being around him so much lately, no fighting, just the ability and desire to enjoy what little time we have together. Yet last night was really hard for me. I hated that he left. I knew he wasn't going to stay and I originally though I could deal with that but watching him leave after he was here, at home, with me, being so close to each other, just too hard. I don't think I can do it again. I think that both him coming to the house and being intimate together just can't be an option for us at this point. While I loved being with him at the moment, it has been painful and tearing me up inside since he left. So I think that until he comes back home that most of our contact has to be outside of our respective living spaces. I can't be so close yet so far away. As much as I want to be that close, I have realized I just can't handle the fall that has come after the high. All I want to do is be with him though. I want to spend every minute, every second, with him. I want to hold him and have him hold me. I want to talk about nothing and just be near each other. It hurts not to be near him.