Realizations

I have desperately been trying to keep myself busy lately. Yet am not succeeding as well as I had hoped. I honestly have been continuing to somewhat neglect work, I think mostly because I don't find it fulfilling, but I have also realized that my usual activity of sitting at Starbucks is really just not good for me. Don't get me wrong I love me some coffee as well as a lot of the other regulars at the specific store I visit and the general atmosphere of the place. Plus I like the fact that I can zone into a sudoku or crossword and just relax there. But... I spend way too much time there. This is not improving my life. While I do enjoy my time there, it has become too comfortable and I sit there all day not accomplishing anything that I need to get done. Then at the end of the day I am disappointed that I may have made it through 2-5 things on my to do list and none of the other 20. Of course I just turn around and do the exact same thing the next day and the day after. It just isn't healthy for me. I have all of these grand ideas of things I want to do for myself yet I really have made no progress. This really isn't Starbucks fault, it isn't really a money issue... OK maybe a little but it is still workable. It really is a....me issue. I have said it before and I'll say it again, I use to be a doer. I use to strive to complete a to do list each day, I use to always have drive to keep moving keep working toward my goals. I am in a rut, I think I may even be depressed...in fact it is highly likely that I am, I just can't seem to find my motivation my drive to do anything. I feel like sitting in front of my computer or in one of the comfy chairs at Starbucks and doing...nothing, I don't feel like working...so I procrastinate, I don't feel like sewing...so I procrastinate, I just keep putting everything off even stuff I like doing. I just don't know how to get that spark back, the motivation and drive. I have the desire to plan all of these wonderful things to do but I so sitting down. I may get myself to get supplies for a project but I never start working on it. I can plan everything out in great detail, what I want to do, how, where, maybe even plan for when... but do I follow through? Nope. I continue to sit to procrastinate, to feel underwhelmed and unfulfilled in my life. Yet I feel stressed and and overwhelmed by my planned projects because I plan thing after thing and never complete anything so it just piles up. I feel useless and a bit empty. I need my drive and motivation back. Who ever has it needs to return it, I would like to claim stolen property. I want my fire back, my spark for life and moving forward. I think I need to force my self to stay at home more or at lease to try to stay away for Starbucks more.

I do wonder if this has anything to do with the fact that my last big plan disappeared from my life. I was supposed to have something/someone by my side through the next steps in life. I had a plan for him/her too. It makes sense from one perspective and makes me sad to think that I still may not be able to continue my life because I am holding myself back. That maybe I am not done grieving enough to step into the next chapter of my life. Yet on the other hand you have to move forward, its the right thing to do, I'm sure that is what he/she would want.

Wow, I think I may really just have issues.

Anyways, I spent a nice amount of time with Bobby the last to days. Wednesday he called out of the blue just because. He said he hadn't talked to me in a while and missed doing so. We ended up meeting for coffee near the Lloyd Center mall. Eventually ended up at the Denny's across the street for some soup and worked on the crossword together a bit, headed over to the mall and wandered through barely stopping at any stores, then we went and sat in front of his moms house and talked, cuddled and kissed a bit for a while about 4 hours in total together. Last night, Thursday, we met at the Triple Nickle sat outside most of the time and chatted for a bit. He eventually ended up coming back to the house, technically for his inhaler, we really spent the majority of the time making out and eventually ended up upstairs for a while and then he went back to his moms. I have enjoyed being around him so much lately, no fighting, just the ability and desire to enjoy what little time we have together. Yet last night was really hard for me. I hated that he left. I knew he wasn't going to stay and I originally though I could deal with that but watching him leave after he was here, at home, with me, being so close to each other, just too hard. I don't think I can do it again. I think that both him coming to the house and being intimate together just can't be an option for us at this point. While I loved being with him at the moment, it has been painful and tearing me up inside since he left. So I think that until he comes back home that most of our contact has to be outside of our respective living spaces. I can't be so close yet so far away. As much as I want to be that close, I have realized I just can't handle the fall that has come after the high. All I want to do is be with him though. I want to spend every minute, every second, with him. I want to hold him and have him hold me. I want to talk about nothing and just be near each other. It hurts not to be near him.